I've mentioned before that I am quite a "pro" in the dreaming department. While I know that everyone dreams multiple times each night, not everyone remembers them. But I do. And I often remember more than one of them, and in extreme detail. And as most of you know, I lost my mom to lung cancer when I was a few months shy of 12 years old. While I think about her constantly, I really don't dream about her that often. And I find myself wondering...why? Who wouldn't want to dream about their mom who they love and miss more than anything and never truly got a chance to know? Sometimes I think it's because I try to block it out and not think about it because it's too painful. But then I begin to think, "No, that can't be it" because when I do dream about her, I wake up, whether in the morning or the middle of the night, feeling so happy that I've gotten to see her. But at the same time, I also find myself extremely upset that it wasn't real and I wasn't really talking to her, hugging her, or seeing her face.
But last night I did dream about her, and I can't even begin to explain the way that it's made me feel. It was so real. I woke up thinking, that had to have really happened. There's no way it was just a dream. Because in the dream, I was who and how I am now. I wasn't the 11 year old confused little girl that I was when she died. I was me..now..20 years old and missing my mom more than ever. What I remember from the dream was that we were Christmas shopping, and she was still sick, still dying. But I was old enough to understand and fully comprehend what was going to happen and what was going to be taken from me. I remember that we were sitting on a bench, just talking, and I was telling her how beautiful that I thought she was, no hair and all. She was telling me how she didn't have much time left here, and I was telling her that it was 'ok'.
But then I realized -- it's not ok. It's not ok that she wasn't able to see me win two cheerleading national championships, graduate from high school, and be accepted into a great university. And it's not ok that she won't be able to see me graduate from that great university, or go shopping for my wedding dress with me. I'm tired of saying that it's 'ok', because it's not. I know that this was all a part of God's grand plan and that is what ultimately gives me peace at the end of each day, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad, angry, upset, and still confused at the fact that it happened.
But then I realized -- it's not ok. It's not ok that she wasn't able to see me win two cheerleading national championships, graduate from high school, and be accepted into a great university. And it's not ok that she won't be able to see me graduate from that great university, or go shopping for my wedding dress with me. I'm tired of saying that it's 'ok', because it's not. I know that this was all a part of God's grand plan and that is what ultimately gives me peace at the end of each day, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad, angry, upset, and still confused at the fact that it happened.
I always try to analyze my dreams when I have them and I really think that the purpose of my dream last night was to give me some sort of closure. When my mom was sick, I was only 11. I know that I keep repeating that, but the more that I think about how young I was, the more I realize why I'm having such a hard time coping now. I wasn't able to fully understand what was going on then. Yes, I knew that my mom was going to die. I understood what death was. But I wasn't able to fathom just how different things were going to be. Everything happened so fast (she was diagnosed in July/August '03, and passed away February '04) and I wasn't able to fully grasp what was happening before it had already happened and she was gone. I wasn't old enough to sit down with her and have serious conversations about what was going to happen and how things were going to change.
But last night in my dream, I was able to do that. And I woke up this morning feeling like I've finally found the closure that I've been missing the past 8 years. I'll never be fully 'ok' with the fact that my mom was taken from me when I was so young, but I can honestly say that I feel more at peace now. And it's crazy to think that something as simple as one dream that probably only really lasted about 8 seconds was able to do that for me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for it. Thankful that even though He took her from me decades earlier than I would have liked, God gave me the greatest mother I could have ever hoped for.
I love you, Mama. I miss you more than anything and I wish so badly that you could be here with us still. Can't wait to see you again, one day.
Mama, Hunt, & Me
Daddy, Me, Mama, & Hunt
Me, Mom, and Hunt
But last night in my dream, I was able to do that. And I woke up this morning feeling like I've finally found the closure that I've been missing the past 8 years. I'll never be fully 'ok' with the fact that my mom was taken from me when I was so young, but I can honestly say that I feel more at peace now. And it's crazy to think that something as simple as one dream that probably only really lasted about 8 seconds was able to do that for me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for it. Thankful that even though He took her from me decades earlier than I would have liked, God gave me the greatest mother I could have ever hoped for.
I love you, Mama. I miss you more than anything and I wish so badly that you could be here with us still. Can't wait to see you again, one day.
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Have a great Thursday, y'all
xo
7 comments:
Haley, I loved this post SO much! Thank you for being so honest and explaining how all of this has made you feel. I lost my mom at 26 and still feel completely lost without her... knowing she won't be there for so many of the big moments. I can only imagine how it felt to lose your mom at such a young age.
I know she is so very proud of you and all your huge accomplishments! I like to think that dreams can be real and that those moments we get to see our moms in the dream world, are real moments spent with them. My mom hadn't shown up in my dreams until about a month ago and even then, she was just there in the background. Still, it was great to see her :) Sending you big hugs and love. You are so strong!!! xo
I said a little extra prayer for you today, my precious friend! You had a beautiful mother. I can see where you get it from!
I'm so sorry that you & your family had to go through this. It's hard enough losing someone you love so much as an adult, but as a child, well... I can only imagine how difficult and confusing it was. I once read that the ones we love and have lost use dreams as a way to communicate with us. I truly do believe that. And I think you're absolutely right. You needed that closure. I'm sure you're Mom has been watching you struggle for a long time over losing her and she finally found a way to give you exactly what you needed. Thank you so much for sharing your story. xoxo
Thinking of you!!! Great post - sometimes it's helpful to just spill your guts!
The only thing better than me dreaming of her is you doing it! (or your dad or Hunt, but need to tell me;) I know it is like being with her and so so wonderful. I am glad you got see her and be with her. Love you so much.
i loved this post. i lost my dad to lung cancer this january and he was only 45. even though i feel like i'm way too young to have lost a parent my heart breaks for my little brothers who were 1 and 6 when he died. cancer is just awful. i'm here if you ever wanna chat <3
What a fun blog!! SOOOOoo nice to meet you :). Thank you for sharing!
xox
Ash
http://abpetite.blogspot.com/
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