Moments.

I know that I promised y'all a full recap of my NYC trip and little look-see into my Chinatown haul but that's just gonna have to wait until another day Monday because I had 2 papers due this week and couldn't find the time to take pictures of all my loot.

So, instead I'm gonna talk about moments. You know the ones I'm talking about. Yep, those. The ones you just know that God planned. Now, I know God plans everything (duh) but I think y'all know what I mean. The ones where you can just feel that he knew you needed THAT specific moment RIGHT THEN. 

I had one of those moments last week. 

I don't have them often. But I'm lucky enough to realize when I do.

 I was on fall break last week (Praise the good Lord himself for that one, too) and was so looking forward to all the time I was going to get to spend with family and friends. Wednesday morning I got up, got dressed, went grocery shopping, and then went to spend the entire afternoon and evening with my sweet, amazing, loving, sassy, country cooking Grandma. 

You see, I've only got one real grandparent, and that's her. My dad's parents both died before I was 6, and my mom's dad died when I was only 3. My Grandma (mom's mom) did re-marry when I was 5 to a wonderful man named Cecil who, for all intents and purposes, is my granddad. Just not my real one. 

Anyway, back to my point. I don't get to spend a lot of time with my Grandma during the school year because when I'm home on the weekends I still have schoolwork to keep up with and I have to divide my time up to make sure I can see my dad, my brother and Kait, Jordan and Kelly, my aunt Terry (mom's sister), and my grandparents. And I don't always get to see everyone every time that I'm home, and when I do get to see them it's usually only for an hour or two, tops. So I made sure that since I had five full days of fall break, I was going to spend more than just a couple hours with my Grandma. 

I went over around 3 and we sat down and racked our brains over a jigsaw puzzle and ate chicken salad for about an hour and then we started to cook -- homemade chicken pastry, cornbread, and fried sweet potatoes. I'd never helped my Grandma cook before but she sure put me to work this time. And I know everyone thinks their Grandma is the best cook, but y'all...I swear mine really is ;) At least her cornbread is, for sure. It's Heaven in your mouth. 

So while we're both standing there at the stove, me flipping the fried sweet potatoes and her tending to her precious cornbread, we get on the subject of my mom. We always talk about my mom but this time it just felt different. Just me and my Grandma...cooking dinner together...talking about the most important woman in both of our lives. How much we love her, how much we miss her, and how much we can't wait to see that beautiful, smiling face of hers again one day.

It was the perfect moment. 

And one that I'll never forget. 

Moments like those are the ones we need to cherish. The ones we need to share with others. And the ones that we need to thank God for. 

L to R: Mama, Grandma, Aunt Terry, & myself -- Mother's Day, 1999

 Have a great rest of your Friday and weekend, y'all!

xo

Sweet Dreams

 I've mentioned before that I am quite a "pro" in the dreaming department. While I know that everyone dreams multiple times each night, not everyone remembers them. But I do. And I often remember more than one of them, and in extreme detail. And as most of you know, I lost my mom to lung cancer when I was a few months shy of 12 years old. While I think about her constantly, I really don't dream about her that often. And I find myself wondering...why? Who wouldn't want to dream about their mom who they love and miss more than anything and never truly got a chance to know? Sometimes I think it's because I try to block it out and not think about it because it's too painful. But then I begin to think, "No, that can't be it" because when I do dream about her, I wake up, whether in the morning or the middle of the night, feeling so happy that I've gotten to see her. But at the same time, I also find myself extremely upset that it wasn't real and I wasn't really talking to her, hugging her, or seeing her face.

But last night I did dream about her, and I can't even begin to explain the way that it's made me feel. It was so real. I woke up thinking, that had to have really happened. There's no way it was just a dream. Because in the dream, I was who and how I am now. I wasn't the 11 year old confused little girl that I was when she died. I was me..now..20 years old and missing my mom more than ever. What I remember from the dream was that we were Christmas shopping, and she was still sick, still dying. But I was old enough to understand and fully comprehend what was going to happen and what was going to be taken from me. I remember that we were sitting on a bench, just talking, and I was telling her how beautiful that I thought she was, no hair and all. She was telling me how she didn't have much time left here, and I was telling her that it was 'ok'. 
But then I realized -- it's not ok. It's not ok that she wasn't able to see me win two cheerleading national championships, graduate from high school, and be accepted into a great university. And it's not ok that she won't be able to see me graduate from that great university, or go shopping for my wedding dress with me. I'm tired of saying that it's 'ok', because it's not. I know that this was all a part of God's grand plan and that is what ultimately gives me peace at the end of each day, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad, angry, upset, and still confused at the fact that it happened. 

I always try to analyze my dreams when I have them and I really think that the purpose of my dream last night was to give me some sort of closure. When my mom was sick, I was only 11. I know that I keep repeating that, but the more that I think about how young I was, the more I realize why I'm having such a hard time coping now. I wasn't able to fully understand what was going on then. Yes, I knew that my mom was going to die. I understood what death was. But I wasn't able to fathom just how different things were going to be. Everything happened so fast (she was diagnosed in July/August '03, and passed away February '04) and I wasn't able to fully grasp what was happening before it had already happened and she was gone. I wasn't old enough to sit down with her and have serious conversations about what was going to happen and how things were going to change. 
But last night in my dream, I was able to do that. And I woke up this morning feeling like I've finally found the closure that I've been missing the past 8 years. I'll never be fully 'ok' with the fact that my mom was taken from me when I was so young, but I can honestly say that I feel more at peace now. And it's crazy to think that something as simple as one dream that probably only really lasted about 8 seconds was able to do that for me. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for it. Thankful that even though He took her from me decades earlier than I would have liked, God gave me the greatest mother I could have ever hoped for.

I love you, Mama. I miss you more than anything and I wish so badly that you could be here with us still. Can't wait to see you again, one day.

Mama, Hunt, & Me

Daddy, Me, Mama, & Hunt

Me, Mom, and Hunt

Mama, Grandma, Aunt Terry, & Myself

Mama and Hunt

Mama and Daddy

Our family

________________________

Have a great Thursday, y'all

xo

bittersweet birthday wishes and mingle monday #1

Happy Monday, y'all! 

Hope this brand new week has started off wonderful for all of you so far! 

Only 4 1/2 more days 'til the weekend ;)

...is it sad that I only make it day to day by  focusing on how many days I have until the weekend? Oh well.

Today is going to be a double post..lucky y'all :)

First up: bittersweet birthday wishes to my sweet, sweet mama. 

For those of you who don't know, my mom lost her battle with lung cancer a little over 8 years ago, on February 5th, 2004. I was only 11 years old then and it's been a rough ride since then, but my brother and my daddy keep me going. You can read a little more about it here. 

February 5th is the day on which we grieve, but on April 23rd we do our best to celebrate instead. Today would have been my mama's 53rd birthday, and I have no doubt in my mind that she would still look 35. 

my beautiful mama, Jackie

I was thinking about it last night and sadly realized that I don't really remember celebrating her birthday when she was alive. I know that we did, and I've seen pictures to remind me, but they're not memories that stick out in my head. But I try to remind myself that I was only 11 years old and she was diagnosed and gone in less than a year (Jun. 2003-Feb. 2004), so I didn't really have to time to recognize what was happening. 

I guess what I'm trying to say, and I know this is cliche, but it's true: cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, because you never know when it will be your last. Yes, I knew my mother was dying and I still hold on to those last months I had with her. But on her last birthday, her 44th, on April 23rd, 2003..we had no idea that it would be the last one we would ever get to spend with her.  

Happy 53rd Birthday, Mama! I know you're having the best birthday yet in Heaven with our Lord & Savior. I cannot wait until the day when we're all able to celebrate with you again. We all love you so much, and miss you more and more everyday. Hope that you, Granddaddy, Pops, and Granny Marge are all party rockin' with Jesus. 

she had the best beach bod ever

please ignore my expression; fixing my hair for a wedding

my favorite picture, at my aunt's (in the background) bridal luncheon

mama and daddy in Bermuda celebrating their wedding anniversary, their last one before she passed - 05/2003

daddy, me, mama, and hunt, circa 1997

me, mama, & hunter - Easter '02 I believe

i get it from my mama ;)

family portraits, 1995 - don't know where Hunt and I got the blonde hair from

 Love you so much, my beautiful mother. Happy Birthday♥ 

 

Now, for Mingle Monday Weekly Blog Hop #1! Linking up with Meg over at Life of Meg. 

Basically, this link-up is a just a way to easily meet other bloggers!

This week's question: What is your OCD habit? Do you have one? 

...Oh, do I. About 51684638 to be exact. 

But the most OCD one, and the one that I get teased the most for, is...

having to put lotion on my feet right before I go to bed. 

I know y'all, this sounds weird. But I hate, hate, HATE having dry feet. Eeeeeeeeek! Drives me nutso.

 For real. 

The very last thing I do before hopping into bed is put lotion on my feet, therefore there is always a bottle of lotion on my nightstand wherever I go. And if I get in bed, then get back up again before I fall asleep...gotta do it again. 

   

 Now head on over to see Meg and join in on her fabulous link-up!! 

Enjoy the rest of your Monday, loves! xo